Summer Fling Built Entirely On "Good Will Hunting" Quotes

Bakersfield, CA---A short-term summer romance between college graduates Conner Hess and Andrea Milner has been helped tremendously by quotes from the 1997 film Good Will Hunting. Hess, 22, began courting Milner, 22, in early May and quickly discovered their shared affection for the Boston-set therapy drama. "When I asked her if she'd like to get coffee with me," said Hess, "Andrea immediately replied, 'or we could just eat a bunch of caramels!' and then we continued back-and-forth with the banter [Matt] Damon uses on Minnie Driver." Milner added, "He was so sweet. Conner totally knew all the lines, without missing a beat." Other lightly amusing quotes from the film became used later in June, such as when Hess excused himself to the bathroom by saying, "I swallowed a bug" a la Casey Affleck, and when Milner quoted Minnie Driver's character during a particularly heavy make-out session: "If you're not thinking with your wiener, then you're acting directly on its behalf!" In fact, a variety of GWH one-liners and references has aided this pseudo-couple throughout numerous cutesy interactions and social gaffs. Unfortunately, the couple's prolonged tryst quickly ended this August when Milner relocated to Salt Lake City, NV to be closer to her family. As a result, Hess was recently asked by a friend if he now "had to go see about a girl." To which he replied, "Nope."  

Stand Up Idea #2

I've always been a very shy guy; I'm not very aggressive when it comes to dating women. And lately, I noticed how bad this situation has gotten ... because recently even my IMAGINARY Girlfriend got engaged.

It was a pretty upsetting scene. My Imaginary Girlfriend told me this just the other night. She flew through my bedroom ceiling, as usual, on her moonbeam. And she was like, "Briggs, I have to tell you something." And she shows me that her finger has this stunning rock on it. Get this: It's 14,000-karat and the band is made out of cloud.

Which was doubly depressing, 'cause I will never be able to afford a cloud ring. And then I really lost my shit to her: "I KNEW this would happen, you dream-slut! Who's the dude?! It's Freddy Krueger, isn't it?"

She's like "Dude, gross! Are you fucking kidding me?" and then she dissipates in disgust.

"Okay. It's the fucking Sandman, isn't it?"

Then she re-materializes inside the glass of my windowpane. "Briggs. You don't know him. He's a doctor. Cardiovascular for all the seraphim and all the cherubs. His practice is in the valhalla above Stanford."

"You ethereal whore."

"You've been leading me on since you were sixteen! And you'd only manifest me over to your place when you wanted to make out."

And then I was like "You know what. I'm gonna' go use the internet."

"You ASSHOLE. You're such an asshole. Fine, Briggs. From now on, DON'T summon me."

"Don't worry."

And she flipped me her middle finger just before it dissolved into dust motes.