Wednesday, December 15, 2010

2010 Wrap-Up: 5 Things I'm Grateful For



By late November I'd already called 2010 a wash. It's time to bring on the new year! I'm ready. But first, I’ll pause and admit that this year did yield some impressive entertainment. So here are five books/media/live and un-live pieces of storytelling that I am extremely grateful to have encountered in 2010. 



5. American Buffalo, Steppenwolf Theater Company, Chicago   


I'm fortunate enough to have reasons to visit Chicago, because right now I'm convinced that it produces the best theater in the world. I hadn't seen Mamet done professionally since a Glengarry Glen Ross a decade ago in San Francisco, and I'm not a particularly big fan of his. But this flawless production at the Steppenwolf reminded me of why this guy is such a prolific writer. The first act seamlessly set up things without your realizing - things that were slipped into innocuous character-y conversations only to come back with huge consequences later. I started to think about Mamet's advice to those who want to write screenplays: Just read Aristotle's Poetics. Over, and over, and over. The second act was all tragic reversals, all payoff, as each character has his beliefs about life pulled out from under him. The play offered a trio of terrific performances, but the standout was - expectedly - Tracy Letts, who bulldozed onto the stage with a hilarious portrayal of Teach, a bottom-feeding crook who is cocky, fierce, deluded and ultimately very lonely. Insert audible audience gasps. Commence late-in-play trashing of many, many props.



another production: this spot could also easily go to the amazing OSF production of Hamlet that I saw, if I hadn't already blabbed about it so much in this other post.




4. Noah Baumbach's Greenberg (2010)




Nobody saw this movie. Even Baumbach's fan base steered clear. People found the trailer annoying. And people find Ben Stiller annoying. A friend of mine wanted to start a twitter handle called "That'sSoGreenberg" and tweet about moments of faux-epiphany and "not connecting" around Los Angeles. But I was still interested in seeing it. I've always been impressed by Baumbach's acidic, richly character'd little comedies (adore Kicking and Screaming, admire Squid and the Whale and Margot at the Wedding). When I entered the theater last Spring, I was not disappointed. Greenberg was such a gratifying viewing experience that I never want to watch it again - the first time was so complete.
 I've long had the idea of writing a parody of the precious indie-romantic comedy, a sort of anti-(500) Days of All the Garden State Real Girls. In Greenberg, Baumbach has begun that deconstruction process. His sad sack "romantic lead" is an aggressively unpleasant former-musician-turned-carpenter. Unlikable protagonists have been popping up a lot lately, from Daniel Plainview to Mark Zuckerberg. But Roger Greenberg, scene by scene, must find something to complain about. There's bravery in Baumbach's writing such a vivid pill for a main character. The film's would be "dream girl," who manages to connect with Greenberg in a demented way, is much more glum, lost and prone to making large life mistakes than any Zooey Deschanel character. (Also, The A.V. Club has just named it their 11th best film of 2010). What will I say the next time I encounter a moody grown-up comedy that undercuts my expectations again and again? That's So Greenberg!


another movie: Mike Leigh's Naked (1993)

3. Wake Up, Sir! by Jonathan Ames 

Ames' writing has edged into the spotlight this year. The diverting, ramshackle HBO series Bored to Death was created by him (from a short story of his that has an entirely different tone). His other novel The Extra Man (I'm just starting it now) was turned into a movie with Kevin Kline. But Wake Up, Sir! has me assured of Ames' neurotic genius. A hybrid P.G. Wodehouse comedy of manners--New-Jersey-dysfunctional-alcoholic tale, this novel had me laughing out loud on every single page, which instantly places it up there with Catch-22 and A Confederacy of Dunces as one of the funniest books I've ever read. Furthermore, this is the first novel I've read while getting to follow the author on twitter - a kind of real-time footnotes. (Bonus: There's an extended sex scene late in the story that Ames used to refute the NY Times' Book Review's assertion that male novelists these days are much more squeamish about creating sex scenes than their counterparts a generation ago. Ames' is a writer fascinated by fetishes, and this scene will certainly have you think twice about who you lend this book to.) 

another novel: Homeland by Sam Lipsyte 

2. AMC's Breaking Bad

Technically I started this series via Netflix during the summer of 2009, lured to AMC programming by Mad Men. But after three episodes, I wasn't impressed. The early story line involving Marie's kleptomania was underwritten and the show seemed uneven. Some time later, I gave the second disc of episodes a try, which contained episode 6: "Crazy Handful of Nothin.'" This episode hooked me. In it's pre-credits sequence, Walter White admonishes his partner-in-meth-dealing Jesse Pinkman: "No more bloodshed, no more violence" and then the hour ends with Walt using exactly that to strike a business deal with the loose-canon drug lord, Tuco. Along the way, Walt symbolically shaves his head. There have been episodes of Breaking Bad since that have stunned me - the drawn-out desert shack showdown with Tuco and his enfeebled, bell-ringing old man, the "Peek-a-boo" episode with the red-headed boy and the nerve-wrenching ATM incident, season three's stunning bottle episode "The Fly," in which a sleep-drugged Walt laments the "perfect moment" when his life should have ended. But Breaking Bad began for me in the final moments of "Crazy Handful of Nothin'," with Walt's declaration to Tuco "THIS is not meth" and the surprise that follows. To refer to the Poetics again (which I was reading by this point in the year, thanks to American Buffalo), a reversal, which produces a cathartic "ah-ha!" in the audience, comes about when you've built a surprise that makes perfect sense. Not an easy thing to build. But the finale of this episode creates just that, by exploiting the one thing we know about Walt: He's a chemist. While Breaking Bad is very adept with action sequences, spectacle, and music montage, it's never afraid to showcase it's biggest strength: Great writing.  

another show: HBO's Deadwood.

1. Hot Chip's "I Feel Better" music video

With the overwhelming availability of viral content, I never lack for a funny online sketch or an impressive music video. And this video is both. For me, it completes a cycle started when I found The Lonely Island's brilliant "Bing Bong Brothers" video back in 2006. Like that one, this video gratifies me on so many levels. I feel like there's plenty to discuss in terms of its aesthetic choices and anthropological meaning (yeah, I went there). But, suffice it to say, no single piece of media I encountered in 2010 makes me happier... 

Hot Chip - I Feel Better

Hot Chip | Myspace Music Videos



Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Alternate titles for "The Lady Vanishes" (1938) Based on the First 31 Minutes of "The Lady Vanishes" (1938)

The Lady Lives in What is Clearly a Model Town (1938)
The Lady Drives a - No Seriously, Did Audiences Laugh at This Tiny Model Town in 1938? (1938)
The Lady if That's the Lady Gets What She Wants 'Cause She's Traveling with Two Other Ladies and She's American (1938)
The Lady May be this Hot German Maid Who May Not be Shy about Changing in Front of Two British Bumblers (1938)
The Lady Complains About Noises to An Older Lady who May Also be *the* Lady I Don't Know (1938)
The Lady Gets Barged in on by a Musical Cad Who Might Vanish Her... But He Doesn't (1938)
The Lady, in a Lack of Economy Unlike the Director, Isn't Vanished Yet, but Some Dude is Choked Outside by Hand Shadows (1938)
The Lady Who May or May Not be Eponymous Gets Hit on the Head by a Random Box, and Gets the Cinematography Dizzies (1938)
The Lady Climbs On Board the Mode of Transportation Most Befitting the Director's Plots (1938)
The Lady is Deluged with Hitchcockian Tics, Such as Train Whistles that Obscure Crucial Pieces of Conversation (1938)
The Lady Who is Clearly Now *the* Lady Writes Her Name On the Train Window's Condensation to Make a Well-Duh Clue (1938)
The Lady's Vanishing Seems Vaguely Familiar from a Making Of- Documentary (1938)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Pride in My Prejudice


I'm pleased that my old thoughts on "Pride and Prejudice" continue to strike a chord with the Goodreads community. 


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

An Alice Munro Parody for You





The First Dewberries
~
I

HEART BURGLARY


            ANNABEL NEVER EXPECTED to receive a call from her daughter, Ilsit, so late in the evening and on a Tuesday. Ever since Ilsit and Harold, her husband of twenty-one years, had moved to Toronto, Annabel became used to regular Sunday afternoon calls from her. The couple's move to the city came about soon after their wedding and with the hope that Harold could grow his business selling home furnishings, a range of designer goods which Ilsit thought refined but which Annabel called “ostentatious” behind Harold’s back. Such were his mother-in-law‘s country tastes, a distinction that cannot be overstated. Plus there were her generational differences, Annabel having lived through those very difficult, nearly impoverished years before some war. Still, she had been relieved at her daughter's wedding. She, if not Ilsit herself, had been keenly aware of an eighteen-year-old woman’s dwindling options. Which is not to say that Ilsit was unattractive. She caught the eyes of the young men in town, despite a certain indescribable something that kept her from being beautiful. Since puberty she’d been fair-skinned with dark hair that she always, always, always wore up, and a smile which took a slightly vindictive turn at its left corner. And she was also fairly bookish. Like in a nascent writerly-type way. The town she’d escaped from was where Annabel still lived in their deteriorating but memory-laden farm house – which Annabel's great-grandfather had built (in even difficult-er years) – in a rural valley surrounded by several bodies of water outside of Vancouver, and some distance from Montreal. But probably reachable from Ontario, if you own a car. Which many more people do nowadays.
            “Is something the matter?” demanded Annabel; she could hear her daughter's breath quicken. 
            “No. Everything’s fine.” But after some minutes of conversing, Ilsit hazarded her question: “Mom, do you ever think of Augie Firnable?”
            Annabel's gripped the receiver more tightly to hear the boy's name uttered after so many years. After so many residents of the town had long-forgotten the accident. After the spot in the field, near the kissing gate that lead from the Firnables' land onto their own, had long been worn over and trod down by the harsh seasons.
            However, perhaps Annabel never answered the phone. Never spoke to her daughter that Tuesday night of all nights. Perhaps, instead, she took out the preserved stack of letters between her mother, whose face had always possessed a certain indescribable something that kept her from being beautiful, and her father, who was almost certainly barrel-chested. She sat sipping a coffee mug filled with rye, and carefully unfolded the letter from the week after Augie's death:

            Dear husband George,                                                                         late-1800's
            The seasons are especially season-y this season. I have a deeply felt inner life that no one will ever know about, at least while I'm alive. Out in our field, the handsomest of the Firnable boys has just suffered an Industrial Age accident. I fear this will have subtle reverberations in our town for several generations, and that our daughter Annabel in particular will mine it for lots of metaphors, especially if she ever gets divorced. If only her looks didn't possess that certain indescribable something that keeps her from being straight up beautiful. She deserves a higher education, even though that would be fucking crazy.
            Subtextually,
            Georgiana            

Friday, September 10, 2010

Unconsciously Elizabethean

Per a friend's suggestion, and via The Artist's Way, I wrote some "morning pages" today as a way to get the writing juices flowing. Putting pen to paper, I tried my very best to keep my letters moving ahead of my brain. Or, more specifically, when I was about to write a new word I ditched whatever two or three other words I'd already anticipated and let a spontaneous word emerge on the page. I wrote fast, and my hand really hurt after three pages of this.
What strikes me now looking over these pages is how Shakespeare tends to be my go to. My pseudo-unconscious mind tends to default to Elizabethean diction, or even bits of phrases from specific plays by the Bard. In seventh grade, I played Macduff in our school production of Macbeth and around that same time I got way too into Kenneth Branaugh's completist version of Hamlet. It seems that I sponged up a lot of language at that age. Some words in my morning pages include: "bodkin" "remover to remove" "all's had" "spent swimmers" "willow" "banish" "glean what Afflecks" "pronouncement tame" "liege" "mortal souls" "sound alarums" "time of scythe" "our yesterdays" "naught but slumber" "to wit" and "we shall no more." Even my pseudo-unconscious is pretentious.

Friday, July 9, 2010

The Lofty Plateau

It's the phase of life coming after this one. The one you're always gestating for. You fantasize about it all the time, and you know way too many of the truffly details. Maybe you're being naive, okay. But only a little bit! 


It's gonna' come all of a sudden. Man, oh man, you can't wait. In fact, despite the wisdom you've heard your entire life, you're pretty sure that it'll come to you overnight. And it will suddenly and irrevocably change the day-to-day face of your life. Yep. None of this one-step-forward, half-step-back stuff that you're seeing for everyone else. For you, ineffably special person that you are, there is only preparation... preparation... and then: A sudden softly raining boon. Perpetual gold rush. Ease and plenty all the livelong day. Or, hell, forget the preparation part. Preparation takes up time, and sure puts a strain on your delicate and easily-bruising self. This thing, when it happens, it'll be closer to a kind of predestination anyway. So, you'd better just get a long night of sleep for the night that it comes (actually, better make it for months and years before). Because in the morning, once it's happened, you won't even recognize yourself! 


You'll be taller now, for one thing, and leaner. And damn, look at those toned muscles. However, how damn-good you look runs a close second to how damn-good you feel. You've become effervescently healthy. Hyperbolically toxin-free. All those half-assed diets you declared and abandoned over the years have somehow conspired together in the night and gelled into this bronzed, splendiferous result. Inspiration comes with each intake of breath! Your thoughts and insights tumble after one another on puppy paws running and yapping to greet the world. That overly long slumber you had last night? Never again! From now on, you'll lunge up off your tempurpedic mattress and fly into 40 rabid sun salutations. Whoa. Double check that new you that's in the floor-length mirror. Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox are crinkly troll dolls in comparison. So, so that thing about how you feel being more important than how you look? Eff that! 


First thing you do, after staring at your abs for an hour, is dump that drag of a significant other that you've been dating. You call them up, you leave a voicemail, and it's over. Done. You'd been dating them for many years out of fear, but fear isn't in your repertoire anymore. See 'cause you're also an instantaneous Master Flirt now. You're sensitive. Your heart can really hear the other person, and not just listen. You had no idea how to flirt yesterday, but today it comes smoother than a fine-tuned screenplay. Every jokey bit lands. Your punctuating smile is totally adorbs. By the time you get down the block to your car, you've had four meet-cutes - count 'em, four.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

*gulp* :) "Aahhhh"

Word got out that Henry's patent would kill the Pepsi-Coke rivalry for good. It sounded too good to be true, but the 11th grader had managed to isolate the First Sip of soda, and could package that sensation repeatedly in a bottle or can, so that each successive sip was just as delicious and refreshing as the first. The headhunters, executives, and lawyers from each of the two corporations descended via helicopters on Meltdown Comics, where stubby young Henry often went after C period, and swarmed him with offers, cajoling, and warm grins. For who wouldn't pay more to always have that first lovely hit of sugar and carbonation, in perpetual waves until the very last drop?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A People Fight

It all went down in a large, open mall parking lot, weekday afternoon, with different People showing up. First Ellen Page and Thomas Hayden Church came and were like, "Hoity-toity, muah-ha, Pulitzer to you!" to the second group, which was Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen, just arriving, and who were like, "Bwah-ha-ha, zing, rimshot to you!" as they threw water melons and mallets at T. H. Church and Ellen Page, but who in turn deflected those flying props using trust fund portfolios and tenure notifications. But then, on the edge of the lot, Donald Sutherland and his Academy Award-winning son Timothy Hutton arrived, and they were all, "Hup-pup-pup, 9-to-5, mortgage, Christmas cards in your face!" Page and Church countered: "Fellowships! fractals and chaos, you fucks!" Sandler-Rogen interjected: "Viral videos! rule of threes, you fuckers!" Sutherland-Hutton got up in their face: "Commuting! nuclear family, you fucks!!" Page to Sandler: "Vulgar fucks!" Hutton to Church: "Elitist fucks!" Rogen to Sutherland: "Bourge-y fucks!" 

Then another group showed up, carrying picket signs, with a judge and a jury, and interrupted. "Any of you liberal-fornicating fucks seen Larry Flynt?"

Monday, May 31, 2010

140-Beauty

Last week, British thespian Stephen Fry announced a contest to judge the world's most beautiful tweet. The avid twitterer and sorta-incarnation of a certain Irish-aesthete-epigrammarian will judge this contest as part of The Guardian's Hay Festival, a literary 'woodstock of the mind' currently happening somewhere in the middle of Wales. (Guess I missed that bad boy back in aught five, on my way from Bath, England out to the Pembrokeshire Coast). Fry, seen here in a great old sketch (with Dr. House looking even more like Briggs / Luke Hatton), will announce the winner of this competition on June 6th. Therefore, this week at Uptown Problems (as well as on twitter), I will be practicing my hand at beauty and brevity, and submitting my efforts to the contest. This exercise is a nice extension of the six-word Hemingway Challenge that I'm occasionally fond of. So, be warned: For the next three days, I will be putting certain potentially florid / weird / maudlin tweet-length writings out into cyberpace. I'm eager to see what exactly Fry, the kinda'-contemporary-version of that dandy-witticist (or, as Ricky Gervais puts it 'poof'), deems 'beautiful' in the 140-character form.

Speaking of Oscar Wilde, I wonder if I could ever be put on trial for a controversial piece of writing. And then sentenced to a pretty-much-fatal jail term because of it. But, what sort of scandalous subtext could they find in my writing? Maybe that every single character is secretly really, really tall. That'd be it. And then my cross-examination would go something like this:

Lord Davenport (with powdery white wig): "Mr. Hatton, I refer this courtroom to page sixty-three of your short story collection So, Does This Hotel Have a Pool? at which point the 'good buddies' Herbert and Todd are speeding down the freeway after a blue VW Jetta. Mr. Hatton... are these men tall?"
Me: "To be tall in the eyes of man is but to be short in the eyes of God."
Lord Davenport: "But these men ARE being tall together, are they not Mr. Hatton?"
Me: "They are of an appropriate equal height to spot each others' elbows and then high-five."
Lord Davenport (flustered): "Are WOMEN tall in your stories, Mr. Hatton?"
Me: "Decidedly not. Although the character of 'Shannon' in my story "Sh*t or Get Off the Pot" consigns herself to never wearing heels once she becomes engaged."
Lord Davenport: "... yes, engaged to a man who ..." (shuffles manuscript) "you condemn as 'boisterous' and 'overbearing.' Is this the meaning of being 'short' in your eyes, Mr. Hatton??"
Me: "My eyes see as partially as anyone's, Mr. Davenport. For to be tall or short to anyone requires only a trick of the light and a lean of the hips."

In jail, I'd send long letters to Shaq and the Jolly Green Giant.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Go to Oregon so I have someone to talk about this production of Hamlet with, Or: This review is so, so fastidiously detailed and laden with spoilers as to have no audience

Academics like to claim that Hamlet is unperformable. That Shakespeare's tragedy is too copious, too complex, and too long for a production to ever do it justice. The words, words, words will in all likelihood undermine even a very gifted actor or director. The critic Harold Bloom (who can't stop thinking about Hamlet, his secular scripture) derides most attempts to stage this "poem unlimited." Hamlet is smarter than us, maintains Bloom, so most stage productions will invariably get it wrong. We're better off to just keep re-reading it.

To these assertions, I can now reply that I saw a pretty great production of Hamlet at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival last May. Having previously seen three different Hamlet productions in my lifetime, I know that the theatergoing world abounds in mediocre Hamlets. Prior to last night's show, I saw one (lop-sided) production here at OSF ten years ago, a community theater production one time, and a hyper-abridged one-hour high school version.

Picture if you will the cliche hep audience member, enjoying his post-theater cigarette by the stage door. The star emerges, now in plainclothes, and the audience member ducks over to assert his gratitude (as well as book smarts): "Hey man! I just wanna' say, I dug your choices." Well, this production of Hamlet, for the OSF's 75th anniversary season, starring the brilliant Dan Donahue, well, I DUG its choices. That is, for the most part...

Let's talk about some of them. We'll start off with the weirdest one, the most glaring. The production choice that came from way out of left field, making me go, "What?" and then, "But - but why?" and then finally, "Oh! Cool." Get this: In this production, the King, the Ghost of Hamlet's father ... he's deaf. He uses sign-language to speak all of his lines. When he gets real mad, he yells one of his lines and his speech is realistically impaired. Furthermore, lest you think this was some sort of spectral, purgatorial consequence for the King's being poisoned in his ear, let me stop you. King Hamlet was, apparently, deaf during his lifetime as well. I call this choice the most glaring because it's the one that distracted me from the play itself - its presence made me start to worry, and we don't like worrying during our plays.

My realization of this choice was slow to dawn: Horatio tries to speak to the Ghost in the play's first scene. Me: "Okay, why's he hand gesturing?... Okay, that's over now. Good. It must have just been some sort of military semaphore. Moving on... " Later: Hamlet tries to speak to his dead father. "Why the fuck is Hamlet hand gesturing while he speaks? Are there hearing-impaired people in this audience? Is this one of those sign-interpreted performances -- with the sign-interpretation incorporated into the diegesis of the show? That... would be pretty crazy." Then: Father-Ghost and Son speak to each other. "Oh, man. The dad is actually deaf. They are actually, together, translating out Uncle Claudius' whole treasonous crime with the Father signing it, and the Son speaking it. Wtf." Maybe this play's going off the rails...

I then found myself sitting there, zoning out from the acting in front of me, and scanning the book and volume of my brain for some justification, some textual support, for this very unusual choice. Where in the world did deaf come from? What dramaturgical clue clicked a lightbulb on in the director's head? (*snaps finger* "Of course! He's deaf!" *begins composing mass-email* "That's gold, Jerry, gold.") But, f'oh about my brains, I couldn't come up with a thing. 

Thankfully though, it got better, this potentially-crippling production choice. During young Hamlet’s translation (for the audience’s sake) of his dad’s shocking murder revelation, I was complaining in my head: Look, in real life, deaf people’s loved ones don’t verbalize their speech. They simply comprehend, and respond. So, I came away from that scene feeling like the production lacked the courage for this conceit. If he’s deaf, at least have him be realistically deaf, okay? But then, later, it did just that. In the Ghost’s third scene, when Hamlet speaks daggers to his mother, the Ghost silently signed his entire injunction for Hamlet to go easy on his mom, and also to make with the uncle-revenge business. Hamlet verbalized none of this for the audience's expositional sake, and then simply picked up his next line: “How is’t with you, lady?” I was so pleased.

Then the deaf Father idea did have some late payoff, finally. It arrived at a moment where I thought “okay, that’s actually cool.” This came in the last word of the last line of Hamlet’s dying moment. As the life leaves his body, he begins to both sign and speak his famous final words, perhaps as a sort of fond commemoration of his departed dad, or maybe as an urgent hope that the two of them be reunited soon. And then, Hamlet can't utter the last word. He can only silently sign the “silence.”... Nice right? 

Moving on to some of the production’s other interpretive choices. There was another potentially cringe-inducing device, which actually acquitted itself nicely. The traveling troupe of players was turned into a rhythm-step group. Their "Mousetrap” performance into a hip-hop concert. You can almost see this concept going over well in a table read. In theory, it makes sense. In practice, however, it could have easily been dead in the water. But it goes down smoothly enough, like a glass of champagne that’s gone a little flat. And at the point when Polonious interrupts the players’ impromptu rehearsal, saying, “This is too long,” we at least laugh with a sense of solidarity.

Moving on to the next impactful choice. This one involved some true textual sleuthing. This is probably where the director and the dramaturg reached for the elbow grease, winked playfully and proceeded to arm wrestle. In their production, Hamlet’s first three soliloquies, as well as some of his dying words, are purposefully set off from the rest of the text, distinctly juxtaposed from the mis-en-scene of the play. This is accomplished by positioning these speeches away from their usual placement in the scenes, and initiated by a sharp light change, which haloes Hamlet in his solitary audience address while the other onstage characters freeze in a tableau. To futher section off these speeches, this production has rearranged their placement within the sequence of their scenes, often dropping Hamlet’s later private contemplations into earlier public moments. So, rather than soliloquizing after everyone has left the room, Hamlet opens up his personal thoughts to us while frozen within the interpersonal instant that inspired them. (Or, at any rate, the instant posited as inspiration by this production.)

It's not a revelatory choice, but the creative team gets good mileage out of it. For Hamlet's first two soliloquies (“O, that this too too solid flesh” and “O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I”), the idea makes excellent good sense. The former soliloquy is incited when Gertrude compels Hamlet to stay with them longer in Elsinore. His soliloquy concludes, “but break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue,” light change / break tableau / resume public moment: “I shall, in all my best, obey you, lady,” with a resigned, broken voice. The "peasant slave" soliloquy is provoked when Hamlet watches the Player King perform his monologue about Hecuba. And there's plenty of textual support for that choice: “What’s Hecuba to him or he to Hecuba that he should weep for her?” Hamlet privately asks us, with the Player King frozen behind him while enacting his "dream of passion." 

The placement of the “To be or not to be” is less about the dichotomy between public and private space, but its resulting interpretive tenor is nonetheless bold, debatable, and compelling. Hamlet first spots Ophelia kneeling in a chapel. “Nymph, in the orisons, be all my sins remembered.” “Good my lord, how does your honor for this many a day?” “I humbly thank you. Well…” He proceeds to exit the chapel, and suddenly finds himself locked in a dark, square, stone room, with Polonious and Claudius listening just on the other side of a barricaded door. “Well, well,” says Hamlet, completing his line with a suspicious tone. His ensuing soliloquy – the most famous lines in Western Literature – therefore assumes a paranoid, defeated quality, as if Hamlet were a penned-in animal under constant surveillance.

This third adaptive choice works tremendously well, and it leads me to this production's chiefest asset: Dan Donahue’s performance itself. This actor's dexterous, buoyant Prince lends the whole production a fluid pacing and a smooth accessibility that single-handedly raises it up from mediocrity. I for one never realized that the character of Hamlet could be so laugh-out-loud funny. Donahue makes this Hamlet instantly relatable; He’s like the prankster-friend you love having around. As a result, you’re all the more heart-broken to see his inevitable fate played out. Sad to see a noble mind here o’erthrown, sadder to see it when the noble mind is also effortlessly hilarious. OSF contracted Donahue years ago specifically to fill the roles of clowns and fools. That apprenticeship has served this production well. Not only did he make this audience member hear a lot of these very familiar lines afresh - no minor accomplishment for any Shakespeare production - but he additionally wrung laughter from unlikely and un-mined places. He managed to turn his every ironic "crazy" interaction with Polonius, or Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, into the light, playful tauntings of your favorite puckish class clown.    

With Donahue's precise and vivid portrayal as its centerpiece, this production has dozens of other smaller adaptive choices I'm eager to talk about. I'll try to keep it short. His work as Hamlet shoulders this production with ease, but then unfortunately leaves a few of the other performers looking static by comparison. Jeffrey King's Claudius blusters around unevenly. Greta Oglesby's Gertrude hits all the appropriate notes, which is to say, she's serviceable. Susannah Flood's surprisingly level-headed, almost sardonic Ophelia reads as out of place in this production, but then her restraint pays off during the actress's fully-realized mental melt-down and painfully poignant drowning scene. A pair of gardening shears becomes a key prop throughout the action. After Ophelia first uses them to prune flowers in her first moment, Donahue keeps snatching them up for his mischief from scene to scene. He uses them to snip Polonius's tie, and then promptly discovers its use as a bookmark. He uses them as weapon to insinuate suicide. He also periodically slices holes in his black mourning suit, signaling a psychological deterioration, and eventually comes to look quite like a patched fool. Fittingly, the daughter's garden shears travel their full arch when Hamlet drives them home into the father's stomach, stabbing Polonius through the arras. And, finally, one last thought. My reaction to this production reveals how much I've been of the school that the central character chooses to act crazy, performing his antic disposition to gain an upper hand on his tormentors. The fable (directing-speak for "brief synopsis of a particular production's point-of-view") for this Hamlet may have included a sentence like: "As a result of his encounter with the Ghost, Hamlet's mind is infected and he literally goes insane." The rich copiousness of Donahue's portrayal from scene to scene suggests a person swinging rapidly from strutting prankster, to disillusioned lover, to loyal or disgusted son (the list goes on...) to a man terrified at his own tenuous grasp on reality.


So, if by saying that Hamlet is unperformable one means that the infinite possibilities for interpretation cannot all be on display at once, I would tend to agree. If, however, one means that a lively and on the whole well-thought-out production of Hamlet cannot be found, I would tend to say drop your preconceptions. I would say something is rotten in the state of scholarship. I would say head to Ashland, Oregon. 

Monday, May 3, 2010

Competition: A Personal Essay

            You win. You have the bigger dick. And I mean both genders here – I’m talking about everyone. If you want to compete with me in any sport or game, then you always already possess the phallus and, congratulations, it's huge. I do not care.
            You wanna’ play a sport together? I sure don’t. Volleyball or golf or bocci ball together? Sounds like a time-waster. And all during the 2-to-4 hours that it takes you to kick my ass, I will be bored. Not frustrated, indifferent. I’ll think about movies or books. And I’ll think about how this boring sport we're doing reminds me of a movie or a book. And then I’ll try to resist my ever-present urge to steer the conversation towards those movies and those books, and use them to relate to you rather than through anything actually having to do with this stupid sporting ritual that we’re engaged in for no reason. Hey, everybody! I'm Maverick and he's Iceman!, I'll say. Bump, set, danger zone! Or: I'm Bill Murray, I'm gonna’ get that gopher. But maybe you haven’t seen those movies in a while. So you’ll shrug, or you’ll space out, and then you’ll egg me on to play the game better. But I do not give a shit. I like jogging. By myself.
            This is to say nothing of watching sports, either in person or on t.v., which is so, so boring to me. Equivalent-to-staring-at-a-blank-wall boring. I may as well try to parse Cantonese. I may as well blur my fucking vision and stare at the dead space between me and the sport in front of me. Talk to me about Peyton Manning, or Tony Romo, talk about Derek Jeter, or that white guy who’s doing well for the Arizona Suns (I think). Please talk to me about all of these people – I will tune the fuck out. Talk about Tiger Woods and I’ll ask if you saw that South Park episode. These are the point at which conversation stops between me and the average American male. Your dude-fiancée or your dude-cousin – this is where we give up on our acquaintance. And that's a good thing too: I could give two shits that you remember so-and-so’s stats, or that you traded that guy in your fantasy league, or (worse yet) that you can check all of this real quick on your smart phone. And he could give two shits that I remember so-and-so's IMDB page, or that that actor got his start at that playhouse, or that I have Shakespeare's plays on my iphone. Venn diagram: Circle “Briggs,” Circle “normative masculinity,” and nary the two quite touch. They say men get their aggression out by sublimating it into the sports they watch. Apparently I carry around a pile of rage.

           What about beer, Briggs? What if we play a drinking game? Will that get you to man up, Mr. Wussy-Arts? Probably not. I mean, for a little while, yes, and once in the bluest moon, but ultimately: no. Plus I’m getting too old for flip cup and beer pong. I’ve had exactly four perfect evenings as a result of games like those, but they are now long ago and encased in nostalgia and I’d prefer not to mess with that four-for-four record, thank you. Last summer, someone convinced me to play flip cup again and I joined in for one half-hearted round, and then I bowed out, and then I hated everyone in the room and hated myself for getting sucked into a less-than-perfect drinking game evening. If you are out of college, competitive drinking typically produces one end result: Several pallid faces after a round, all asking: “Why did we think this was a good idea?”
           Briggs, we could just have a quiet evening playing a board game. Come on over. After dinner, we’ll have some wine and … and sit around for four hours rolling dice and moving little plastic figurines. Plus, maybe cards are involved too. You like math, right? Numbers, odds, and logic – those are all things you’ve excelled in, right, Briggs? This’ll be a great way to pass four or maybe five hours of our lives! We need four players for our Bored Game! You could be our fourth, Briggs, come over! ...  And then when I do come over, I half-listen to all the game’s rules, and then I fuck up those rules for three hours, and then once I’ve lost, once a whole evening of bored concentration has dragged on by, then I'm of course super primed and eager to remember all those boring rules! And super excited to try to win that Bored Game the next time I’m bored enough to play it! About a decade ago, I played one game of Monopoly. And I won. And I haven’t played it since. So let’s leave it at that.
           The competitive gene skipped over me. I’ve witnessed each of my brothers at moments when they’ve turned into Game dicks, and started gloating or yelling in the face of successes or losses. But I yell when my medical insurance screws me over. And I gloat when a girl slips me her number at a bar. I don’t get worked up over an imaginary ritual involving cardboard and player spaces. I don’t rile myself up or shit a few bricks if "my" "team” isn’t in the lead this year in their league. What's the point? What. is. the. point? I can find those emotional extremes elsewhere in life. Throughout my childhood, my parents tried to foist various sports on me and none of them took. Instead, they mostly served up opportunities for me to embarrass myself. Swimming, soccer, karate – none of it lasted more than a year or two. I was the one always just waiting for the adults to dole out the Sunkist and orange slices. Full-back, half-back, whatever, I was the kid who, if an airplane flew overhead trailing a white jet stream, then I had to – had to – stop running and hold up a mimed camera and take a mimed picture of that airplane. No matter what kind of game was being played around me. My summers of doing swim team also sucked. Chlorine burned my eyes daily because my parents never got me goggles. During warm-ups, I was perpetually laps and laps behind the other kids because my parents always dropped me off late. One time a bald swim meet judge (who in my memory is Mr. Strickland, the principal from Back to the Future) told me that I have a perfect scissor kick. I smiled for a moment, thinking it was a compliment. But, no, definitely not. I do poor athleticism perfectly.
            So don’t be surprised when I don’t know anything about your home team. Don’t tell me who traded who for who. And don’t invite me over to play Wii golf. I'm fine without it. I promise you we will get through this. We will find another way to pass the time. Maybe we’ll have a conversation together. That could work. I'm like the best at conversation. I'll kick your ass at conversation any day.               

Name Game

            I’m so excited to move to Los Angeles in two weeks! In order to help my career as an aspiring performer-comedian, I’ve been thinking a lot about my name. I’ve noticed how crucial it is for certain actor types to change their name in order to promote a certain image and to connote that image with the sound of their given name and/or surname. OR, they decide to change their name in order to avoid being boxed in and/or type cast if their real name happens to be too ‘ethnic other’ sounding, swarthy, spicy or otherwise ca-raaaaaZAY. 
            Like my friend, Andrew Perez, who has sometimes struggled with casting directors and their expectations upon meeting “Andrew Berez! Latino Actor!” (You see, Andrew looks and sounds about as white as me and presumably anyone reading this blog.) Not long ago, Andrew considered the last name “Crowe” as a desirable alternative. I suggested that he could also add little crow-shaped insignias around the boarder of his headshot, just to help his overall persona/impression/confusion.
            And with the advent of social media sites! It’s easier than ever for actor types to mix and match all hugger-mugger with an array of Branding Pseudonyms / Imaginary Personas – all for the sake of their Career Goals and Show Biz Dreamz! Your birth certificate? Screw it! Your family lineage? In the dust bin! You can opt into your new persona using the facebook RIGHT NOW. Nevermind the legal loopholes – this is entertainment, people. I knew an actress in Chicago who seemingly has added the middle name “Actress” to her name on the facebook. And I thought, “hmmmmmm... Isn’t that con-ven-ient? As well as just, hitting-people-over-the-head DIRECT of you. Good on ya, Actress.” Also, another actress I worked with in the Windy City changed her last name to make it sound less Italian. Just like that, less ethnic other, overnight and easy peasy. Furthermore, this particular actress, aside from being paaaaainfully unfunny in reality, seems to have no acting credentials in the physical world as near as I can tell. But she sure does have an avalanche of credits on twitter, youtube, her blog and her TWO facebook pages. Sha-zam! It is that easy.  
            So with all this nom de plume ease, all this fluidity of public selfhood – what exactly does “Briggs Hatton” have in store for “his” future? When I visited L.A. three weeks ago, I met this girl who claimed she had a friend who’s first name was also “Briggs.” And I should have elbowed her in her short face. That’s only the second time in my life that anyone’s ever told me they know another first-name “Briggs.” And I likes to keep it that way. Since Briggs is normally a last name, people have often misheard or gotten confused while meeting me and then asked, “So what’s your first name?” Maybe I’ll just take that as a sign and pick a normal first name. I’ll become “Mike Briggs,” or “Steve Briggs.” Or, I could flip my middle name to the front: “Joe Briggs Hatton.” That’d avoid my unfortunate first and middle initial combo, the combo slutty girls during high school teased me about, if and when they caught onto its suggestive meaning. The suggestive meaning being blowjobs. OR, maybe my goal is to get more weird/exotic with my name – not more normal/expected. In elementary school, I used to practice my name in cursive on a chalkboard, only I’d write it as “Brigga-Joe Hatton” for some reason. Maybe that could fly. Or “z”s! “Z”s are always solid. Maybe I’ll just tack a “z” on there. “Briggz Hatton.” “Briggz Manhattan, M.A.” “Briggory.”
            (Probably not) coming soon to a social network near youz!  

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Poem #1









A CutieTM, and me,
and a slow-dying bee.
Orange - the sexiest color they see -
covers my shirt.
And I'm not being curt:

(I am not getting hurt)
Standing and patting 
from where I'd been satting,
shucking and shaking
- the neighbors mistaking - 
Lightly, politely and carefuh-la-lee ...
until we get free.
A low-flying bee,
a CutieTM
and moody 
old me.  

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Mr. Total Dickhead




                                                                             "Hoe-iest Hoes ...  
     Before Bro-iest Bros."


Birthday:
May 24th, 1984 
Favorite Film:
The Boondock Saints 

runner-up: the independent film I'm currently co-producing. it's called Player Haters (I wanted to call it just The Player but some other dumb movie already had that; or, we might just call it The Rapist
Favorite Video Games: 
God of War III, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, Grand Theft Auto IV, and the classic Grand Theft Auto III, Resident Evil 5,  and the classic Resident Evil 4, Heavy Rain, Killzone 2, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II, Call of Duty: World of Warfare, and the classic Call of Duty: World at War
Favorite non-magazine book / Only novel I've finished: (books be for pussies, yo!) The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen (so f*ckin' funny) (not many people have read this one, but it's from the p.o.v. of this funny dude who really wants to get laid and play video games and he makes fun of like er'body)
runner-up: first 22 pages and a few other random parts of American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis - but that thing is sooooooooo long.
Favorite T.V. Show:
"It's Always Sunny"!

runner-up: "Dexter" (only seen season 3 though)

Aloha, faggots! Mr. Total Dickhead here. So I was chillaxin' sippin' an iced skim latte this afternoon with three of my best guy friends-that-I-will-betray-imminently and we were talking 'bout the clubs where we've heard there's a lotta' hot action lately. Also, what next weekend might be like if we get really,
really krunk this time. And then Marcus, my bro-who-I'd-f*ck-over-at-the-drop-of-a-hat, starts talking up his gal Katie. And I was like, "Show me her pic on your Droid right now, bitch!"
And Marcus, was like "What
ever, dude. I know your scheme."
God, f*ck Marcus sometimes, ya' know? I hope he crashes the maserati his dad bought him into a ravine. Anyways, as the caffeine kicked in or whatever, I got to talking about my theory (speaking of my "scheme") about most average dudes and how they are more likely to hit on a chick if that chick has ever dated one of the dude's dude friends. I'm trying to coin this Theory or this Effect, but I haven't settled on a name.
And then Clarke, my other buddy-who-better-watch-his-god-damn-back, chimes in and says, "You could call it the Truffle Effect?"
And I'm like, "Like a sweet chocolate, like that kind of truffle?"
And Marcus goes, "The girl is - what? - like sweet and a bit of a luxury... ?"
And Clarke is like, "No, a truffle like a special fungus a pig has to root around to find... like the girl is hidden from you, but your friend is another pig who's found her first, and now
you get to sniff her out too..."
"I'm not buying it!" says Adam, my other friend-who's-faith-in-humanity-I'd-like-to-face-f*ck. "Maybe just call it the Strawberry Effect."
We didn't settle on a name for my theory but, damn, I hope to put it into practice like PRONTO ("soon"). After that I had to split to go look at a rough cut of my indie film. It's sooooo tight, but the violence has to kick it up a notch if we're gonna' get money back on this one. Anyways, until next time! This has been: Mr. Total Dickhead.
Aloha (that means "goodbye" too), faggots!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Summer Fling Built Entirely On "Good Will Hunting" Quotes

Bakersfield, CA---A short-term summer romance between college graduates Conner Hess and Andrea Milner has been helped tremendously by quotes from the 1997 film Good Will Hunting. Hess, 22, began courting Milner, 22, in early May and quickly discovered their shared affection for the Boston-set therapy drama. "When I asked her if she'd like to get coffee with me," said Hess, "Andrea immediately replied, 'or we could just eat a bunch of caramels!' and then we continued back-and-forth with the banter [Matt] Damon uses on Minnie Driver." Milner added, "He was so sweet. Conner totally knew all the lines, without missing a beat." Other lightly amusing quotes from the film became used later in June, such as when Hess excused himself to the bathroom by saying, "I swallowed a bug" a la Casey Affleck, and when Milner quoted Minnie Driver's character during a particularly heavy make-out session: "If you're not thinking with your wiener, then you're acting directly on its behalf!" In fact, a variety of GWH one-liners and references has aided this pseudo-couple throughout numerous cutesy interactions and social gaffs. Unfortunately, the couple's prolonged tryst quickly ended this August when Milner relocated to Salt Lake City, NV to be closer to her family. As a result, Hess was recently asked by a friend if he now "had to go see about a girl." To which he replied, "Nope."  

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Stand Up Idea #2

I've always been a very shy guy; I'm not very aggressive when it comes to dating women. And lately, I noticed how bad this situation has gotten ... because recently even my IMAGINARY Girlfriend got engaged.

It was a pretty upsetting scene. My Imaginary Girlfriend told me this just the other night. She flew through my bedroom ceiling, as usual, on her moonbeam. And she was like, "Briggs, I have to tell you something." And she shows me that her finger has this stunning rock on it. Get this: It's 14,000-karat and the band is made out of cloud.

Which was doubly depressing, 'cause I will never be able to afford a cloud ring. And then I really lost my shit to her: "I KNEW this would happen, you dream-slut! Who's the dude?! It's Freddy Krueger, isn't it?"

She's like "Dude, gross! Are you fucking kidding me?" and then she dissipates in disgust.

"Okay. It's the fucking Sandman, isn't it?"

Then she re-materializes inside the glass of my windowpane. "Briggs. You don't know him. He's a doctor. Cardiovascular for all the seraphim and all the cherubs. His practice is in the valhalla above Stanford."

"You ethereal whore."

"You've been leading me on since you were sixteen! And you'd only manifest me over to your place when you wanted to make out."

And then I was like "You know what. I'm gonna' go use the internet."

"You ASSHOLE. You're such an asshole. Fine, Briggs. From now on, DON'T summon me."

"Don't worry."

And she flipped me her middle finger just before it dissolved into dust motes.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Cracken Blue Balls

As a compulsive pre-adolescent, I spent many late nights flipping channels with a T.V. Guide on hand and a blank VHS at the ready. I was desperate to own a copy of what I then considered to be the greatest movie of all time. Because it was never actually in the listings, I apparently thought that the fervent power of my hope could override the cold hard fact of t.v. programming. What illusive celluloid creature was I hunting well into the wee hours of the night? 

The Cracken.



Today, the 1981 B-movie monstrosity (with monsters) rests in an Instant-Netflix-proximity, but I couldn't have less interest in viewing it. I re-watched parts during my teens, and that was enough for me to grasp it anew, in all its dull, wooden clumsiness. If for anything, Clash of the Titans gets noted as the swan song of special effects pioneer Ray Harryhausen. Bringing the stop-motion wizardry of Jason and the Argonauts (1963) to Clash's action sequences were what kept the childhood me awake and hunting during those late nights. And, of course, there's the winner of the 1982 Whoa-Goin'-Slummin'-Paycheck Award: Sir Lawrence Olivier, who sails through his duties playing the King of Olympus without breaking a sweat. (I was recently re-watching the Royal Shakespeare Company's 1984 instructional mini-series, Playing Shakespeare, featuring young-looking pre-knighthood thesps such as Ian McKellen, Ben Kingsley, and Patrick Stewart, among others. Anyways, I wonder if they saw Clash of the Titans around that time, and then if their tears got mixed together with their barf.) The movie also has Dame Maggie Smith as a scorned and spiteful goddess (is she Hera?) and the main antagonist to our hero Perseus. She puppeteers obstacles for him throughout the movie. And then there's Perseus, a curly-lock'd 80's stud played by ... Harry Hamlin... ? In my memory, its totally Chris Sarandon. Or if Mel Brooks had made a 1985 parody-spoof called Clash of the TitanBalls, Chris Sarandon would have definitely played Perseus ... And the lead romantic chick in this flick, whoever she is, she's terrible...   

So while the human characters are so imminently forgettable, the creatures that were brought to life in Clash of the Titans were what drummed on my childhood psyche. In my family household at the time, to say "stygian witches" was a common parlance for any creeping kind of evil. Summer swimming in our pool was often where my brothers and I "played Cracken" (just a king-of-the-heap-style wresting match, except I - I was a Cracken). I vividly recall one summer camp "time out" that I was given after I clobbered my playground friend, Mike. But all the fuck I was doing was putting the from-behind choke-hold on him exactly the way Calibos does to Perseus in that swamp. If Mike had been more with it, he would have known to chop my hand off with the magic sword and then take the limb with him back to Argos. Jeez. So the movie, a swan song for Ray Harryhausen, a late sad low-point for Lawrence Olivier, also works as a swan song for my pre-adolescent years. 

Furthermore, in addition to the indelible creatures effects, little Briggs took to the 1981 movie because it's a classic herculean adventure story. Classic, and classical. It's probably not unrelated that I took up Latin in high school, with its pervasive use of Greek myth. It's all coalesced kinda' nicely when the turn of the century brought the sword-and-sandal 'cast of thousands' pics back into vogue. I ate up Gladiator (2001)'s grandiosity and Troy (2004)'s campy-shit particularly because my nerdy Junior Classical League years were in purview. ((In the latter movie's case, having once (poorly) translated Virgil's Aeneid, I was delighted to see that movie suck, and swing for the rafters, and suck some more.)) Moving along this loose lineage, and if you factor in the success of 300 (2006)'s comic-book-world visual bullshit, and ultimately a 3D remake of Clash makes overwhelming sense. For me, and for the world. (Or, I should simply say "big budget" remake, as the "3D" thing is last minute icing in Avatar's wake.)

So the Cracken will be released (or re-released) this Friday. All this reminiscence and specious analysis is my way of saying: I am more squarely at the center of this film's marketing demographic than you are. Or, I'm squarely at the center of this movie's second target demo, males 24-32, who've actually seen the 1981 version, but also have a healthy fear of special effects. The main target demo, males 14-22, hugged Ed Norton's Incredible Hulk, flock to anything that looks Frank Miller-y, and don't know what The Hurt Locker is. 



I should mention that I haven't researched the new film. Other than watching the two trailers online, I've put media blinders on as part of my effort to enter the 3D theater next week with limited preconceptions. I've also never seen a movie by this French director, but he's not my kind of fun. I wish Alphonso Cuaron had directed it. Or Paul Greengrass. Or twenty other directors I could name. 

Because the adventure structure of the original movie is solid, my main hope is that the remake adheres to the plot of the first movie, just with better dialogue, better pacing, better directing, acting and editing. Before the second trailer debuted, I was concerned that I didn't see the Cracken anywhere, or Medusa. But, fears assuaged. Now I'm wondering what Ralph Fiennes's Hades has to do with anything? (Ralph's really cornered the market on 'pure evil' characters, by the way.) Has Hades replaced Maggie Smith's Hera as the puppeteer-antagonist to Perseus? Is Calibos that pig-orc-looking thing? 

We've got the pegasus, and we've got some deity-statues crumbling in Argos. So that's all good. Exciting/annoying as this trailer's editing is, a lot of the visuals in it look to be nicely derived from the earlier story. But: I ask you: Will the 21st Century rendering of this story have need for a bumbling bird side-kick by the name of ...  





... Bu-Bo? This adorable fuck-up makes Jar-Jar Binks look like a masterstroke of nuance. I can't imagine how they'd make him fit now. 

For the sake of next week, when I walk into a multiplex in Los Angeles, I don't even know how to manage my expectations anymore. The one, brief removal of my media-blinders will come Friday morning, when I check the movie review aggregate sites, but then hopefully resist the urge to actually read anyone's review. I just hope the movie doesn't get an average of 52% to 62%. I pray that it's met with anything but lukewarm, middle-of-the-road indifference. Which, I bet it will be 

As the swan of my childhood is reincarnated for one last gasp, as the cracken is finally re-released, I need to hug it unabashedly, or hug it ironically. With Clash of the Titans, I haven't learned how to do both.